Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

Recently its come to my attention that being pregnant allows people to say all sorts of insensitive and just downright stupid things in my presence, so I thought I should do society a favour and inform you of some no-no’s.

1. “Oh you’re pregnant? I thought you were just packing on the pounds!” – Oh thanks, yeah I’ve just got babies everywhere; my arms, my thighs, my ass.
2. “You’re not tired now, you don’t know what tired is.” – Actually yes, I’m very fucking tired because PREGNANT actually means you’re growing another human inside you, and ya know that kind of consumes lots of energy. Also, please don’t contribute to the anxiety I’m feeling about my impending lifestyle changes.
3. “I thought you might be pregnant! I saw you from behind the other day and thought ‘Wow, she’s gotten bigger!’” – Ha ha ha ha thanks again! The baby is in my U T E R U S. Babies can’t really grow in backsides…
4.’“Do you have a steady boyfriend?” – Nope, Gang bang. Don’t even know the guy.
5. “Are you going to get married?” – Why do you want to know? Are we offending your almighty non-existential God by birthing a bastard?
6. “How old are you?” – You’re blatantly expressing your disapproval of my assumed age which you’ve probably correctly assumed.
7. “Was it planned?” – What does that matter to you? Bet you weren’t planned, probably a big old drunken accident.

And there you have it folks! Sorry if you’re now embarrassed because you’ve stupidly asked one of these questions, but now you know not to do it again!

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